“My greatest hope for women, is that they feel beautiful as they age…” 

~ Nicole Rubio (Former Self)

This is what I was. A pretty face who needed constant male (and female} attention. My self-worth revolved around how much of this attention I was getting. This drawing is called “Watching Him Pay Attention to Jennifer.” I wanted his attention and was punctured because someone else was getting it. (In reality, this scenario took place in the gym.)

It was easy to tune the world out until suddenly it wasn’t  Plagues, fires, droughts, political corruption took place long ago and far away.  We were above it as Americans.  I, as an introvert, an artist, and legally blind had been able to retreat to my own world of feminine beauty.   Then COVID appeared and the fear came to my house.  You could die if you went outside and touched the wrong thing.  Your family and friends could die.  When the world shut down and locked people inside, it felt like the parade had finally come down my block.  Other people felt the same isolation I was used to.

While people were home for two years cut off from their friends and watching TV, I watched too, following the news for the first time in my life. As the sky outside my kitchen window turned blood orange from local California wildfires like doomsday, I packed an emergency drawer with important papers, batteries, and medicines in case I had to leave in a hurry. The police on my flat-screen TV were murdering black people for no good reason. Political lies were growing.  Drawing pretty dresses, which had been my art, began to feel irrelevant. So far I had escaped emotional pain by retreating into beauty but now I couldn’t.

In a funny way, the prolonged isolation helped connect me to the everyday world.  My interests changed and figures appeared in my drawings,  people in difficult situations.  My fears were less about me and more about the world around me.  My end point was no longer winning people over.  This is still a fantasy, but I want to feel part of a community.  No more competition.